Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
