I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
