Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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