I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
