fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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