As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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