Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
