On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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