My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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