Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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