No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
