I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
