He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
