I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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