I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
