The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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