happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
