You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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