theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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