you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
