He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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