I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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