It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
