Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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