We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize