You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
