My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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