Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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