i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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