i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
