God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
