went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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