her vagine was all disorganized.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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