i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
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