I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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