Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
