I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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