just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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