I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
