i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
