Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize