You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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