My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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