Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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