So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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