The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
This girl is more easily done than said...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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