Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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