So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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