i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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