This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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