New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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