My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
