I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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