you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
