I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
