her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Every concussion has its silver lining
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize