Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
