My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
