In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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