I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
