you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
